How Can I Support Someone Who's Grieving?
Supporting someone who’s going through grief is hard. In fact, let me just come right out and say this, in many ways it can feel like an impossible task. You’re desperate to help them, provide practical support, be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on, maybe cook meals or bring some lunch to their desk, to say the right thing. You feel powerless in the face of their grief, frustrated by the knowledge that there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome, and horribly nervous about doing or saying the wrong thing.
The perilous position that those endeavouring to offer compassionate support for grievers rarely gets acknowledged or addressed. It’s a scary, vulnerable place to be. And, all too often, the fear of saying/doing the wrong thing paralyses people into doing nothing.
If you’re worried that you don’t know what to say or what to do, believe me, you’re not alone. This is the number one question I get asked by those in a supporting role and the answer is rarely straight forward.
Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving Can Feel Impossible
I know you’re not likely to be feeling sorry for yourself, but believe me, I’ve talked to enough people in your shoes to know that navigating the support role can be tough. My own research has demonstrated how hard it is to do the ‘right thing’ for grievers. In our Coping With Loss online community we often talk about what friends and family can do to help - and the truth is that what works for one person can seriously irk another. When I read through their suggestions, so much of their advice is conflicting. Some pearls of wisdom do emerge with consistency though, so I thought I’d share those here to help supporters feel more confident in their actions.
Don’t assume. Ask.
My advice is simple, and essentially boils down to this: instead of being a mind reader, ask them what they need. Mind-reading is a well-known psychological thinking trap, encouraging us to imagine we know what others want/think/feel when, in fact, our own reading of the situation isn’t always accurate or complete. Similarly, gently suggest to them that you’re not a mind-reader either, that you can only truly help if they tell you what they need.
Questions That Actually Help
So, step one is to pluck up the courage to ask them what it is they want from you. Explain that you genuinely want to help, but don’t want to get it wrong, and ask/say any of the following:
What works, what doesn’t?
Do you want to be hugged, or not? If that changes from day to day/hour to hour, please just tell me.
I don’t even know what to say, what’s the worst thing people have said to you (gives you an opportunity to learn, and both of you an opportunity to perhaps laugh – which is a good thing), and what’s the best?
Do you want a lasagne, chicken curry or a salad? Or can I make you and the kids lunches instead?
How are you doing today? (emphasis on the word ‘today’ implies you appreciate how quickly things change)
What is hardest for you right now (also demonstrates that you understand the changing nature of grief)?
If you’ve got a colleague who’s grieving, my best advice is to take their cue. Give them time to talk if they want to, and provide a safe, quiet place for them to retreat to if they need some time alone. Most critical of all is not to ignore them by saying nothing.
What grievers wish you knew.
Keep talking about those they have lost, use their name, acknowledge them, share your stories and memories. Don’t fear you’ll making it worse by bringing them up – chances are they are already thinking about them. Our dead loved ones are never far from our minds.
Tell them you’ll be there for the long haul, that you know there’s no timeline for grief and that the impact will be long term.
Make sure you continue to check in with them/follow through with your offers.
Don’t compare your grief or experiences to theirs. Every grief is different.
Don’t ask them, which grief stage are you going through (scientific studies have shown that most people don’t go through Five Stages of Grief)
Tell them it wasn’t their fault (if appropriate): “This is not your fault, it is not fair and there is nothing you did to cause/deserve this.”
Let them talk: sharing the story is very much part of healthy grieving and often helps the bereaved sort things out in their heads.
“My door is always open for you to come and have a cup of tea and sit, and talk or just sit. I'm always home from 3.30 to 7 weekdays and Saturday afternoons, and usually home evenings and Sunday.” (this came from our community and I love the specific nature of it as well as the long term invitation).
Instead of asking them what they want for lunch, just buy them two sandwiches, and let them choose. If they don’t want it, put it in the freezer.
If they’re back at work, make sure they know they’ve got a place to go when/if a ‘grief ambush’ occurs - somewhere private to escape to.
If they’re not showing visible signs of mourning, that doesn’t mean they’re heartless, cold or failing to grieve. There are many many ways to cope with loss. Everyone does it differently.
If you don’t know what to say…
The one thing that everyone seems to agree on is this. If you don’t know what to say, just say “I don’t know what to say”. But don’t ignore us, cross the road/aisle/office and say nothing. That’s what hurts us most.
Thank You for Being Here.
Thank you for reading this and joining me in my mission to change the way the world approaches loss - making grief that bit less taboo one conversation, one blog, at a time. Together we can reduce the stigma, loneliness and judgment and help grieving people get the support they need.
If you’ve got any particular ways you’ve either given or received support that you’d like me to share here, please email me at office@drlucyhone.com or let me know via socials (@drlucyhone).
