Is This Helping or Harming?
In my particular corner of academia I come across a great deal of research on the factors that enhance or hinder our wellbeing. Some of which I’m finding particularly pertinent right now.
For example, while we've long known that our genes and circumstances have a big impact on our wellbeing, more recent psychological studies additionally indicate that the way we choose to think, and the way we choose to act, also have a significant impact on how we feel and function in life. The University of California’s Sonja Lyubomirsky, a key researcher in this field, argues that as much as 40% of our happiness is governed by our daily activities and practices (Lyubomirsky, Sheldon, & Schkade, 2005).
With this in mind, I’ve recently been relying on a technique I picked up at UPenn, while studying resilience. When I’m trying to decide whether I will do something (get up and go for a run, have another glass of wine, visit the scene of the crash where the girls died, go over and over again the what ifs of Abi's death) I ask myself “is this activity/way of thinking helping or harming my healing/grieving?”
While I'm employing this technique to help guide my grieving, the same question can be applied equally effectively to all sorts of everyday aspects of life from stewing over an argument, getting wound up over road rage, to staying up late to obsess over Facebook posts of those who seemingly have a better life than yours. A basic tenet of cognitive behavioral therapy, this particular question originates from Karen Reivich and Judy Saltzberg as part of their resilience training programmes rolled out across the US Army (Reivich, Seligman, & McBride, 2011).
As Reivich writes in her book, The Resilience Factor, the way we analyze events depends on thinking styles we’ve learned over a lifetime: "Non-resilient thinking styles can lead us to cling to inaccurate beliefs about the world and to inappropriate problem-solving strategies that burn through emotional energy and valuable resilience resources" (Reivich & Shatté, 2003). Augmenting self-awareness regarding how our thoughts and actions are helping or harming us, and tweaking them, or altering course as necessary, makes it more possible to behave in ways that help us feel good and function well over the long haul.
Right now, asking myself this question is helping me massively - if you want to learn more, the above book is a good read. Give it a go and let me know if (where, when and how) it works for you.
References
Reivich, K. J., Seligman, M. E., & McBride, S. (2011). Master resilience training in the U.S. Army. The American psychologist, 66(1), 25-34. doi:10.1037/a0021897
Reivich, K. J., & Shatté, A. J. (2003). The Resilience Factor. New York, New York: Broadway Books.