Are My Children Going to Be Okay? Supporting Kids Through Grief.

At a recent workshop, a man pulled me aside and shared his worries about his children. He'd lost his wife, and amid everything he was carrying, was consumed with concerns for them. Were they really okay? How would he know? Why weren't they opening up to him? Was that normal? Were they bottling it up, and if so, would it come back to bite them later?

From my own experience and from many conversations over the years, his worries are far from unique.

When Grief for Your Children Compounds Your Own

Grieving parents are already carrying so much, yet their energy continues to go outward, of course, towards their children, scanning for signs that something might be wrong. They do so out of love - it’s understandable, but also exhausting. And it can leave parents feeling guilty for grieving themselves, when they feel they should be holding everything together for the kids.

The most important thing to know is that the emotional climate in the home matters far more than finding the perfect words. Children are extraordinarily attuned to the adults they love. They will feel what you're carrying whether you name it or not. Which means that tending to your own grief is not selfish, but one of the most important things you can do for your children.

The research backs this up. More than anything, what children need in the aftermath of loss is ongoing security, openness, love and affection from the people they still have. They may not say so or show it, but they’ll truly value as much normality as you can offer; the familiar routines, the ordinary moments, the sense that life is still going on, matters enormously. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be present.

How Children Grieve: What's Normal at Every Age

Children don't grieve the way adults do, which can be confusing and concerning for parents grieving alongside them. A child who seems to be getting on with things, who doesn't want to talk, who appears almost unaffected, is not necessarily in denial or storing up trouble. Children grieve in short bursts, moving in and out of their grief more fluidly than adults. One minute they're devastated, the next they’re kicking a ball around or laughing with friends.

What they show on the outside rarely tells the full story of what they're carrying on the inside. And how they show it will depend enormously on their age, their personality, and their world. So if you're wondering whether what you're seeing is normal, here's a rough guide.

Very young children can sense loss and respond to change, but have little grasp of what death means. Between four and six, many believe death is temporary, that the person might come back, and their questions will reflect that. From around seven to ten, children begin to understand that death is final, but may still have very literal, practical questions about what happens to the body, about funerals, about where the person has gone. From ten onwards, children can grasp the bigger existential reality of death, not just the practical facts of it. They start to understand what it means to lose someone forever, to grapple with mortality, to feel the emotional weight of it more fully.

Worth knowing too: as children grow, they often revisit a loss and reconcile it with their new understanding. A child who seemed to process a death quietly at seven may come back to it with a whole new set of questions at thirteen. This isn't regression: it’s how grief works across a childhood - and if we're honest, across a lifetime too.

Is It Okay to Cry in Front of Your Children?

Yes. Not overwhelmingly, but honestly. When you cry and name it, "I'm sad because I miss your Mum", you give children two things at once: permission to feel their own feelings, and a model for how to express them. You show them that grief is not something shameful to be hidden away - that they can own it too.

What children struggle with most is NOT seeing adults grieve. It's being left out of the truth. It's sensing something is very wrong but not being told what it is. Honest tears, explained with simple words, are far less frightening than the pretence that everything is fine.

If you're looking for guidance on how to actually have these conversations with your children, including what language to use and how to answer their questions, I've written about that in more detail here: How to Talk to Children About Death, Grief and Loss.

Will My Child's Grief Come Back Later? What the Research Says

This is the fear underneath so many of the questions I'm asked - and I want to share some research I found reassuring. Columbia University psychologist, George Bonanno, who has spent decades studying how people respond to loss, found little evidence for the idea of delayed grief - the fear that if someone doesn't grieve openly now, it will ambush them later. Yes they might revisit it later, and have different questions and thoughts about it, but that’s not something to be concerned about - that’s all part of life, and you may well have gone through that process of reiterative thinking yourself.

Lack of outward expression doesn't mean children aren’t grieving, or that they don't need our attention and care. It means that remaining quiet, getting on with things, not wanting to talk, are not necessarily signs that something has gone wrong. Sometimes it's just who they are and how they want to grieve at this point in their life.

Our job is not to make children grieve in a particular way, but make sure they know the truth, feel our love, and know we are always there should they want to talk or ask questions.

When to Get Professional Help for a Grieving Child

If you notice significant and sustained changes in behaviour, things like withdrawal, aggression, a serious dip in schoolwork, or persistent anxiety, trust your instincts and seek support. When you do broach it with your child, reassure them that talking to a counsellor is never a sign of failure or weakness. It's just good life learning, like the rest of their education. And they may well find it valuable to talk to someone who is trained to have these conversations, someone they can open up to without worrying about making things harder for the people they love.

If this information resonated, you might also find these helpful:How to Talk to Children About Death, Grief and Loss; What to Do in the First Weeks of Grief; 5 Practical Ways to Ease Grief Immediately.

If you'd like more bite-sized nuggets to help navigate the hard things in life, join me for Finding Your Way Weekly, my free newsletter delivered every Sunday. You can sign up via the link below.