Festive Survival Guide for Those Dreading the Holidays.
Every December, people come to me saying the same thing: “I dread this time of year. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it.”
Some are preparing for their first holiday season after life spun suddenly off its axis - a bereavement, diagnosis, divorce, estrangement, job loss, or some unwelcome change they never saw coming. Others are dreading another year of that yawning gap between where life is… and where they hoped it would be.
If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or secretly wishing you could skip the whole thing completely, you are not alone. Far from it. The holidays are hard for so many people, especially when you’re navigating grief, uncertainty, or any unwanted life transition.
Below are the research-informed, but deeply practical strategies I’ve seen help thousands of people reduce the dread, reign in the emotional load, and find relief at a time of year that can feel anything but festive.
Dr Lucy Hone
“Holidays have a way of illuminating whatever hurts.
Whether you’re grieving a person, a relationship, your health, your old life,
or the version of yourself you miss - your feelings make perfect sense.
Now is not the time for perfection. You’re going to have to let all that go, and find your way to muddle through, knowing that every year will be different - you just have to get through this one.”
Why the Holidays Feel Hard When You’re Grieving or Life Has Gone Sideways
The holiday season tends to amplify whatever is already going on inside us. When you’re grieving - be that from a death loss or a living loss (diagnosis, caregiving, fertility struggles, a relationship ending, family breakdown, financial upheaval, life not looking how you imagined) - your nervous system is already working overtime.
Layer on pressure to “be merry,” family expectations and unavoidable encounters, financial strain, intense nostalgia and constant reminders of how life used to be, and it’s no wonder so many people wish they could wake up in January.
Expect Big Emotions: They’re All Part of the Package
⭐ You are likely to feel some very big emotions: waves of sadness, unexpected tears, irritability, anxiety, guilt, numbness, or moments of relief. All of this is normal. Think of your emotions as data, not verdicts on how you’re coping. Feelings aren’t good or bad: they’re information.
⭐ Remember: grief is as individual as your fingerprint. Just because you’re crying and someone else isn’t doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. We all process loss differently.
⭐ Make a plan for how you’ll take mini breaks - not the kind with Hugh Grant, just a moment to step outside, catch your breath in the bathroom, take a short walk on your own, or five minutes in the car when you’re pretending to look for something. You are not responsible for keeping everyone else comfortable.
Protect Your Energy: The Science-Backed Power of Saying No
The end of the year is exhausting enough. Add grief or big life changes into the mix and your energy budget shrinks dramatically.
⭐ Give yourself permission to say no — to the office party, the festive drinks, the wreath-making workshop, the cards, the baking, the extended-family marathon.
⭐ Start small. Say no to one inconsequential thing and feel the liberation. Spoiler alert: the world keeps turning.
⭐ You’ve never judged someone for not attending a party; others won’t judge you either. Owning what you can realistically manage isn’t being antisocial, it’s just being honest.
Make Space for the Good Moments Too (Yes, even when you’re grieving)
Among the tears, there will also be moments of laughter, warmth, pride, calm, connection or relief.
⭐ Don’t shut those down. Mixed emotions are part of grieving. Having a good moment doesn’t betray your pain or your person.
⭐ Actively look back over each day for the tiny nuggets of good; what psychologists call capitalising. It helps nurture psychological recovery. Who has shown up for you? What strength surprised you? What have you got through that you never imagined? Let those count.
Use This One Question All Season: “Is This Helping or Harming Me?”
This is one of the most powerful self-regulation tools I teach.
⭐ Ask it gently, but often:
“Is what I’m doing (or thinking, or agreeing to) helping or harming me in my quest to get through this?”
It brings clarity fast and puts you in the driver’s seat of your experience, your life.
– Is that fourth glass of bubbles helping or harming your ability to make a speedy exit?
– Is scrolling Instagram and comparing yourself helping or harming?
– Is agreeing to three nights away, when you know you can only handle one, helping or harming?
– Is driving separately so you can leave early helping or harming?
– Is buying takeout instead of cooking helping or harming?
Managing Family Dynamics When Everyone’s Tired and Tetchy
There’s an old saying: “Guests are like fish — three days and they’re past their best.”
Holidays put pressure on everyone. Add grief to the mix, and the emotional load rises again.
⭐ Family time is complex, often messy. Instagram-perfect Christmases are fictional - release your unrealistic expectations.
⭐ Grief and trauma can amplify behaviours, so tensions may bubble up faster than usual. Apologise where needed, take a break, and don’t force togetherness beyond what’s healthy. Get out, get up, leave.
Release Perfect: “Good Enough” Is the Target This Year
⭐ Lower the bar. Let go of the pressure to do it all: the cake, the decorations, the matching outfits, the elaborate meals. If there was ever a year to simplify, it's this one. Good enough is good enough.
⭐ Self-compassion is key. Ask yourself:
“What would being kind to myself look like right now?” Honour that.
Create (or Ditch) Rituals That Support Your Healing
Rituals can comfort or constrict us. Which ones are helping? Which ones are harming? Be flexible.
⭐ Discuss which traditions you might pause, adapt, or introduce this year. You’re not breaking anything: you’re responding to your reality.
⭐ Consider rituals that honour the person or the version of life you’ve lost:
– Light a candle
– Make a playlist
– Cook their favourite food
– Wear their jersey or jewellery
– Hang one symbolic ornament
– Donate to a cause they loved
– Write them a message
– Take a moment of quiet remembrance
It Won’t Always Feel Like This: Grief, Change and the Passing of Time
Every year is different. Next year won’t be like this. You only have to get through this year.
⭐ Time doesn’t eliminate grief, but it does change it. After ten Christmases without our girl, I can say with full honesty: every year has felt different.
⭐ Nothing you decide this year sets a precedent. You’re not locked into these choices. Right now, the priority is getting through in the gentlest way possible.
Focus on one small step, then the next. That is enough.
A Quick Plan to Reduce Holiday Dread (Use This Now)
Here are simple things that make a real difference:
– Name the moments or events you’re dreading
– Decide what you’ll say no to (and stick to it)
– Plan escape routes or breaks
– Set expectations low and kindness high
– Choose one ritual that supports you
– Decide who your safe people are
– Ask “helping or harming?” when you’re unsure or struggling.
Closing Thoughts
Taking a realistic approach to the holidays isn’t pessimistic, it’s protective. When you’re grieving or navigating unwanted change, this season can feel brutal. Be kind to yourself. Lower the bar. Honour your needs alongside everyone else’s. You matter too.
Want More Support Through December?
If this guide helps you, please share it. Someone you know may be quietly struggling.
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Better days ahead.
Lucy 💜
