How are we supposed to get through the dreaded anniversaries?

The truth is I don’t know. Even after all these years.

It’s the anniversary of Abi, Ella and Sally’s deaths. The day of the year where time seems to stand still, where we don’t know what to do, what to think or what to feel. There’s no right or wrong, no getting it right, no expectation - we just wait for time to pass and for another day to arrive.

Twelve long and short years and it’s always the same. Sometimes we’ve been surrounded by friends, at others on our own. It makes no difference of course. We’re just waiting for time and the awfulness to pass.

Right now it’s 3.06am, less than an hour until the dreaded crash took those three beautiful lives from us forever.

I’ve put a bottle of champagne in the freezer. In case that’s what I want. (It’s not.)

I’ve picked up Ed’s copy of the Alchemist and tried to read that. (I don’t.)

Friends have messaged. (Thank you.)

I don’t want champagne, I don’t want friends, I don’t want to look at photos - that will only make it worse.

Instead, I’ve put the music we grieved to on the stereo (Of Monsters and Men’s My Head Is an Animal) and I’m sitting on the couch, bathed in sunshine, looking out to sea. Wishing, wondering things were different.

There are no solutions here. No making it better or right. Nothing makes a difference to the outcome. No avoiding the pain. I actually choose to sit in it.

They’re just gone. Forever.

What a waste.

I take a deep breath. In and out. In and out. I sigh. I let the music wash over me.

She was so gorgeous our little girl. Sally so beautiful. Ella so vibrant.

Sorry we lost you. Glad that you lived.

Three lives that mattered, gone in a moment of motorised madness. Gone too soon.

All I want to do is think of you, long for you, picture you, honour you and your vibrancy Abi Hone.

Thank you for being our girl - the one and only Abigail Ann Hone. We four will never forget you. All of our lives we will live for you.

Twelve years here, now twelve years gone.

🩵 🩷 💛