We Only Miss Those We Love. Why Goodbyes Hurt So Much

On love, impermanence, and learning to live with separation when someone you love leaves

Our eldest is off overseas again.

I find goodbyes so hard.

My heart aches, my shoulders drop. I feel deflated. Low.

It’s all too much, all too soon. Too final.

And yet, hopefully it’s not. I try telling myself it’s not forever.

But there was a time when it was forever - when our little girl walked out of our house and never got to return. Hence I find goodbyes super hard; they come with that extra edge.

I’ve written about the emotional complexity of empty nesting before - more fully in another of my blogs, which was later picked up by Hello! magazine.

What do we do when faced with these hard life moments?

What works for me? What works for you? It’s a question worth pondering.

My usual strategy is to try to approach them directly, acknowledge the forlorn feelings and face them head on; to accept how I feel and honour that; and remind myself this emotional landscape is all part of love’s terrain.

We only miss those we love. We only feel their absence because we are hard-wired for love and attachment yet live in a world of impermanence.

I keep telling myself this. But today it still hurts.

What helps when parting feels unbearable?

So, I dig deeper and push my ‘mental agility’ one step harder, seeking to locate a place for my head and heart to land. Something I can tell myself - some form of emotional or mental logic to lessen the grip of today’s pain.  

He’s not gone forever.

I’m lucky to have had him home at all.

We’ve enjoyed this time together.

Wherever he is in the world, he and I are digitally connected - we do that well.

All true, but none of these facts lift me out of the fug.

Narrowing the focus: how small steps help us cope

Suddenly I fall upon an unexpected angle that does.

Reminding myself that, right now at least, he’s only flying an hour north to surf and make music with a great mate, that works.

I feel better.

I love that he’s off to do that - the things that make him whole, a friendship that counts. It genuinely makes me smile.

Sure, he’ll go way further afield after that, and I don’t know when I’ll see him again, but only focusing on the first step, helps me get through this moment.

Narrowing our focus - ‘chunking it down’, an established psychological tool - comes to my rescue.

Today it works for me.

Tomorrow is another day.

Every day is different.

Learning to live with impermanence

Goodbyes are part of love’s terrain. Part of life’s on-going duality. They ask us to hold two truths at once: deep connection and separation. To love fully is to accept that partings (both temporary or permanent) are woven into the human story.

Sometimes all we can do is meet these moments head on. For me, writing it out like this has certainly helped. Writing helps me sort my thoughts, getting it out of my head and onto the page.

If any of this resonates, and you too are looking for ways to cope with life's ups and downs, you can sign up for my newsletter by clicking the link below, or read my latest book which was written to help readers going through ‘living losses’ like empty nesting. You can read a sample of it here.

As ever, you can always contact me (info@drlucyhone.com) to ask me your questions.

P.S. Terrible photo of us both - but that's hardly the point. The point is the love and connection before the moment of parting.