Death is not a choice, but life is.
I found this note today.
I wrote it on Friday, 5 September 2014 at 5:06pm. Abi had died just over three months earlier.
At the top of the page I’d listed everything the world was telling us.
The system.
The pressure to go to court.
The media wanting blame.
The research warning that recovery would take years.
The well-meaning predictions about stress, denial, prolonged grief.
It was all bad news. A list of the evidence that this was going to be long, destabilising, and brutal - which of course it was.
But then, at the bottom of the page, I wrote:
Death is not a choice. But life is.
Death is random. Life is planned.
I can hear what I was asking, wondering.
If the worst has already happened, do we have any choices left? Surely that’s what we need to focus on, I’m thinking.
Can we push through grief out of sheer determination?
Back then, I didn’t know the answer.
Now I do. But I’d also say it’s more nuanced than that, and pushing through without experiencing it was never a realistic plan or option.
You cannot bulldoze grief.
You cannot out-discipline heartbreak.
But you can choose, again and again, how you get through each day and meet the day that follows.
Not in grand gestures, but in the every day small, deliberate acts of bravery that I call ‘choosing life’.
Death was not our choice.
Finding a way to live in the aftermath had to be.
To live and grieve at the same time.
And that remains true.
I miss you Abi. I still love you. Always and forever. But we have somehow managed to learn to live without you physically here, and held on to your love, memories and absolute “ridunculousness” in our hearts. 💛 🩵 🩷
If this resonates
If you or someone you care about is in the early days of grief, and my approach resonates with you, take a look at these other blogs I’ve written:
Grief Help Now - 5 practical ways to ease grief immediately
https://www.drlucyhone.com/blog/grief-help-now
How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving - what actually helps (and what doesn’t) https://www.drlucyhone.com/blog/how-to-support-someone-whos-grieving
What to do in the first weeks of grief – reflections on finding your way through https://www.drlucyhone.com/blog/blog-post-title-one-ger4n
You can also download my short guide, Surviving the First Days of Grief, a pragmatic companion for those first overwhelming days.
And if this post might support someone walking beside a grieving friend, please feel free to share it with them.x
